Holy baby. If I would have known…
Being your mummy. It still feels unreal to me. To look at you, knowing you’re my baby girl. Sometimes I look down on you and I say to myself: we MADE you. We are YOUR parents. You see us as your biggest heroes (for now). And still, I don’t get it. It’s like there is something inside of me that is witholding me from taking the step forward towards that realisation. It feels like standing on the edge of a cliff. Knowing if I make the jump, I’ll jump into a big hole, where in everything will be all over the place and I would have no control.
Something is holding me back in feeling it all and I think I might brake down if I feel it all. Feeling it all, to me, means my chest will break wide open and I’m losing all sensible thoughts and adequate behaviour. I would turn into the Hulk if I had to. And maybe also when I don’t have to. Is this what mother lions feel like? I’ve never felt this before. This feeling, is also my biggest vulnerability. She is my achilles heel, but most my biggest strength and teacher.
I’ve known for a long time that different emotions can occur at the same time. Our baby girl cries intensely the one minute, two seconds later she laughs her head off because we’re singing a song. I tend not to comprehend this at that moment and I can see myself thinking: well, if she’s laughing now so quickly after the other sad emotion, then the sad emotion couldn’t be sincere. That is what I think in that moment. And it’s not true!
These little human beings are so pure that they don’t spend time analysing and overthinking the emotion they just went trough. They just went trough it. And when something else is happening, the emotion shifts to the background and there is the other one. They all co exist. Somewhere, we get less pure. We feel an emotion and create our own narrative. In stead of just letting it be and move on. If I feel upset towards some one, I don’t allow myself to laugh at their jokes, because I think my initial emotional reaction doesn’t come across as legitimate anymore. In our longing to be heard and seen, we hold on to emotions even they have moved on.
This motherhood is my education. It reflects me. It’s all about contradictions. It’s about longing for alone time and looking forward to the moment she goes to bed. But when I lay her down, I miss her already and I feel bad for leaving her. It’s about taking her to daycare for one day in the week, while I’m a stay at home mum. It’s about breast feeding her for as long as she needs it and sometimes ignoring little signals unconsciously that she wants to have more, while I’m so tired or thinking about everything I still need to do that day.It breaks my heart to write this down, because I tend to think I’m a bad mum. I know I’m not. I’m just a human being with also my own needs.
To be your mummy is my biggest fear and my wildest, biggest bliss, joy and strength.
If I would have known…
I would have done everything exactly the same.