This photo is taken years ago. You can’t tell but I was in a bad space and vibe in that time of my life. I fully believed my own narratives, which at that time gave me a very powerful feeling, because I felt very sure. I also felt sad. Sad because somewhere deep down I wasn’t true to who I really was, but subconsciously holding on to believes and stories that were protecting me and had built a lot of walls. Not always believing your own narratives is the hardest road to chose when you’re at a crossroads. Your mind makes up what it feels is comfortable. The mind feels comfortable when it knows what is on the way ahead and what is coming. That is why we often tend to ask and answer the question “what if”?
Now, seven years later, I’m having the biggest struggle in my life so far. I now see which thoughts, patterns are thriving my behaviour. I’ve built a lot and and I’ve broken a lot, relationships especially. That is why I believe these stories need to be told. If you chose to stay circling above your narratives, you might be able to save a lot. Maybe a relationship with some one you love, a job or most importantly yourself. I find it very confronting to see all stories passing by in my head. Because a lot of them are horrible. Horrible to myself really. I make them all up. My mind makes them all up. And they all lead to one basic thought that stays with me the whole day, every day: “You are unwanted"
And as I speak it out loud, I know it’s ridiculous. If my mum, would read this, my dad, my friends, my beloved, my family, they would truly be shocked I think. "She is loved, she is wanted. And we never said or did something that could cause this believe. Where does this come from?" And still, I have this thought. Travelling with me on my journey until I die. And I’m sitting next to it. It’s hard that it’s a non physical voice. That it’s a fictional thought, an invisible enemy. That’s what makes it so dangerous. It speaks to me in the morning and it partly determines how my day is going to be and how well I can handle obstacles that day. By not dwelling in my own stories and sticking to what I notice, see and observe without attaching my own conclusions to what I notice, I can stay circling over my thoughts. By staying up here, I won't mingle with the dark clouds, where I can produce thunder and strike lightning to myself and people around me. I am the blue sky above.
We would go for a family visit today. For the first time in a very long time due to COVID-19. These last few days we were so busy with work, taking care of each other and every day life, that it wasn’t until yesterday late night, when I was busy preparing those bloody sourdough starters (one didn’t make it, by the way. Apparently one had gotten hair 🙈), I started thinking about how to handle everything today. We would visit for the whole day, so we had to bring Ally Sue’s food, her little toys, clothes, diapers etc. And then it struck me. Where was she going to sleep? We have a small car so the pram where she could sleep in, wouldn’t fit and I didn’t want to lay her down in a grown up bed. I postponed the worry and was convinced I would come up was something. I always do. But this morning, I realised. I don’t have a solution that is practical and okay for the well being of our baby. So we carefully said to each other that the best solution was for me to stay home with Ally Sue. Immediately I felt relieved, because I am so tired that I really need a day of NOTHING. But I also immediately felt excluded. While I know this is the best solution and it has als NOTHING to do with me. So this thing in my head starts again. I make up that my beloved did this on purpose, to wait this long, so we couldn’t divert anymore and I had to stay at home. Because he doesn’t really want me there. He is happy to be a day without me. Actually. I think I’m right, because he looks quite satisfied and happy. He seems to accept this solution quite easily. That must be it. He doesn’t want me anymore.
And there it is. This is what I always way do. I say to myself that I’m unwanted. I translate other peoples behaviour in such a way that it fits in and confirms my narrative. Because that is what is predictable to me, feels safe, even it is so painful, it is less painful than the realisation that I’m so unkind to myself. And in that process I bring damage to others by not seeing them as who they truly are. Because how do I deal with that? How do I deal with myself and this voice in my head that is speaking so harmful and never goes away. So what I tend to do is what I did in the past: change the environment where I was in. To eliminate the triggers. I got out of relationships, wanted to be deployed by my employer for a few months, moved to another city where no one knew me, went travelling on my own and even moved to the other side of the world. And sure, seeking isolation did also bring difficulties and challenges along, but it was less harder than dealing with my own deep stuff.
Anyway. After my beloved had taken a shower and was preparing to leave for the visit, he came up to me and asked me: “Do you still like me?" And I was shocked by the absurdity of his question. I looked at him and quickly considered if I wanted him to see what I had just written down. It couldn’t get any more pure than this, right? But it’s also so unbelievably vulnerable. I went through with it and he read what I wrote down, my narratives. He looks at me. “Babe, I don’t like leaving without you, but I’m trying to not to show it, because I don’t want you to feel bad.” Again he looks at me, strikes my hair and asks: "Is there a storm going on in your head?” I feel moved by his question, which is so full of empathy and answered: "Always, but today more than other days.” And then he asks me: “Do you ever feel at peace?” And I kind of broke down, started crying. No, I hardly ever feel peace and calm within.Such a painful realisation and also to realise that I work very hard to fulfil my thoughts about myself. It costs tons of energy, frustration, bad vibes and I'm hurting him in the process.
I truly believe that going through this, is unbelievably hard and painful, but crucial for me. If I disappear in my own stories, I lose important values. Love, trust, support, understanding, respect. If you resonate with this, please. Share your narratives. How weird, ridiculous, painful or vulnerable it may be in your mind. Let your self love rule. Rescue yourself and with that, you can empower your relationships on each front.